Indoor Spaces Aren’t So Bad…

I haven’t checked, but I might be the only person with this condition in the world. Or at least, I’ve never met anyone with a crippling fear of indoor spaces. Maybe they’ve all grown out of it and now they live indoors, hence why we’ve never crossed paths. That has to be it.

Basically, my parents raised me in a tent (maybe that had something to do with it) and we lived off the land. First time I went into an indoor space was when I was sixteen, when I was applying for a job. And that was a warehouse. Freaked me out, not being able to see the sky, or my surroundings.

Now I’m getting married, somehow, and the wife-to-be wants me to see someone since she doesn’t want to be living in an open-flap tent for the rest of her life. And she said she’ll take care of the house search by hiring a buyers advocate. Melbourne has those, apparently. Now, I received a comprehensive education from the National Association of Outside Folks (NAOF), so I know what a buyers advocate is, and it’s actually a stroke of genius on the part of my fiancé. See, the thing that really freaks me out about the great indoors is that I’m not familiar with my surroundings. It’s all so…enclosed. You don’t know what’s lurking in the walls. Could be a family of possums in the attic, ready to sneak down in the night and steal your spices.

But I guess if a buyers advocate is checking the place out in advance, then it should be okay. They’re professionals…at indoor spaces. Indoor professionals. If I can trust anyone, then I can trust them to find me a home with walls and a roof I can live in in Melbourne. Professional buyers advocates, eh…because who needs Auntie Tally’s Outdoor Phobia Therapy and Spa?